So it turns out happiness DOES fuel creativity! Who would have thought it... >> I mean, I guess it would make sense that you would find it easier to draw when you are feeling euphoric and that everything is going to be good - if only for a short while -, than it is when you are so bleeding angry that you snap the pencil in your hand as you try to force some semblance of art through it. Aaaand when you are unable to do so, it just pisses you off even more and you feel like a failed artist and therefore "quit" art for x amount of time. *sigh*

Well I must say, that since today was my last day of finals for my third semester in college, I am quite thrilled at the prospect of having almost an entire month to do whatever the hell I feel like! Well... as far as artistic things go. I still have curfew... at 19... GAR. So maybe not total freedom but mental freedom. Thank Jesus. In fact, I was so excited at the thought that I even was able to cough up a sketch! HURRAY!! Haven't started - or even completed for that matter - anything decent for a long time :/ So it makes me even happier to see something I want FINALLY crawl its sorry, lazy ass out of my mind and onto paper. As much as I'd like to post it now, I have this horrible tendency to post my sketches and then never touch them again until years later... So it may or may not be posted as incomplete. Not to mention, it's an OC of mine whom I treasure which therefore makes it risky to post him anyway. Of course, as I've said before, it really is the character itself that makes them unique. Cause Lord knows I'm not creative with the designs of my OCs. Most of them look kind of like the average Joe as far as I'm concerned. Of course... there really are some pretty complex people in my stories, I just don't have the talent to do them any justice in my silly illustrations! That's why God gave me a sick ass artist for a brother. Heh heh heh...

Anywho... I did go into a major RUNMAGI re-write session a few months earlier and inspiration to continue writing chapter two has hit full tilt. So I would most definitely expect at least SOMETHING coming from within that area.

I'm also running into a major film mood. Which is excellent since I haven't filmed a damn thing since I left AAU. It makes me sad... Plus I feel like a failed director, which doesn't help the already below negative self esteem. I feel like I'm in the right career, definitely. But I also worry about whether or not my films have "a look". Every great director has something trademark and unique in their films and I find myself wondering if I have that. Sure, my friends say they think that I'm a great director - and I am not downplaying their encouragement in any way - but sometimes I do wonder if I'll make it to the top like I want to. I'll struggle, I'll fight, I'll do whatever I have to to get there, but in the end, being fearless is not the only thing you need. Talent DOES just kinda, sorta help.

Ah! But here I go dragging myself down when I should be joyful at the freedom that I have until next semester! Well, I'm thinking I might go to bed early tonight, even though I don't have to wake up at 6:30 am on a Friday for school anymore. But I also had to get up at 5:45 am this morning to go into school to take a damn final that barely took me an hour to complete. Oi.

Ah well, it's over and done with and I am pleased with it all. I can now continue my love affair with sleep. Beautiful, blessed sleep!! Oh how I missed thee... I look forward to falling into your arms until the morning catches us together again and throws you out until our next meeting by night. You wait patiently for me in my bed and now I shall go to you!!

Farewell everybody! Until next time...

Peace!

It always happens at the odd hours of the night. When everyone is asleep and I am left awake to be tortured by my restless anxiety. I feel as though I'm trapped within a glass dome, able to see this amazing and vast world around me but never being able to be in it or to touch it. To break free will cost me dearly but I feel more than willing to pay that price if it will, in any way, disintegrate a tiny fragment of my spirit's need to wander through the world and to wander it freely. But I have no means by which I can destroy the home that has become my cage, my grave...

Every now and again, I feel this need to leave my house and keep walking. Just keep walking and see where I end up. Deep down inside of me, there is a longing for absolute isolation. Where an infinite quiet exists that I can escape into. Where the only life I sense is the nature around me, leaving behind noisy lifestyles and toxic people. Just... the solitude and stillness that clings to its only companion: Silence.

I have a desire to be in any place that is open, anywhere that I can sit atop a high place and see the natural world and its splendor. Silent observation and the meditation upon simply being alive; a head-on, unflinching collision with the earth's elements. Am I selfish for wanting these things? Am I ungrateful?

All I need is to find even a small piece of that paradise and I can be content with the tragedies and woes of life and love and war. I can bear with my imperfections and flaws if I can but just have a small corner of my sanctuary...

Hell, let me stand at the door and I can find a reason to continue drawing air.

First off, I'm going fucking crazy because I am stuck in the house before my curfew... I FUCKING HATE IT. I had a choice of sitting in on a session of DnD but for some retarded reason, I decided to sit at home and hate life = . =;; I need to get out of this fucking house. Jesus.

In other news, I've been going back and re-editing the first chapter of RUNMAGI and developing sketches of the characters involved in it. Ur seems to have a pretty definite look and Sol is close to it. As for the others, they're not really very developed yet so anything and everything about them is subject to change. Chapter two of RUNMAGI is proving to STILL be difficult! And I honestly don't understand why!! I think I just need to figure out where I want it to start. There are two alternative beginnings: the first jumps right into the heart of the action and keeps going. The other slowly builds and then explodes into the action. The latter sounds really good to me but I just have no idea what I want to do with it >< *sigh* I guess we'll just see what unfolds...

Let's see... art... Well, as I've stated earlier, I've been working on character sketches. And now, one of my friends is holding a Halloween contest! I'm interested in doing it but I don't know if I'll have any spare time to do so D: Life has a tendency to suck the fun out of everything >< Blah.

Well, my attention is dwindling so I think I'll just end this journal...

Peace!

I didn't think it was possible but I'm getting back into my Vegeta fan craze again o.o And this time much more intensely then before O: I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN!! ....AGAIN!! GAH! But I can't help myself.... Yes, I know he's ink on paper, it's not like I'm THAT far removed from my sanity! But he's so... hawt O w O Luls. So yea, expect some new fanart from that genre again XD Only better now!

And I've lately gotten into this strange obsession/craze with Oni and his parents. I love the brief, tender moments that they share from time to time and I'm trying to illustrate that. So those also might be posted up as sketches at some point. I'm starting to get over my fear of art thieves because -as I've said before- it's not always the designs that make the characters so unique, but the color of the personality I give them. So I'm trying to do my best to share my baby. Heh heh, it ain't easy though! But I want other people's opinions on these characters that are so near and dear to me.

I actually sketched out a fairly decent picture of Oni's mother cuddling him soon after giving birth to him. I'm hoping to make it out to be a very emotional scene as his mother is looking upon him for the first time and finally holding him and feeling him in her arms rather than him kicking in her stomach.

But anyway, just thought I'd post a little update to tell you what's what!

Peace.

I am now a year older! Though I usually hate my birthday, this year's wasn't so terrible. Quite peaceful, quite calm; just the way I like it. I believe it's storming outside right now which makes the perfect finish to this day ^^

I must say, the gifts I got were pretty damn awesome. First off, a dozen roses, Triforce mints, the new Showbread CD, and a box of Black & Mild Wine Cigars from my sweetheart <33 Then an awesome Tripp jacket from my second oldest brother; a really pretty iPod nano skin, Vera Wang Princess perfume gift set, and some nice shirts from my parents And finally some Sour Patch Kids and the complete first season of the Cosby show from my friend Chels ^^ And at some point in time, my oldest brother is going to take me to buy a new pair of shoes since my barely worn Converse hurt too much D: So I'm looking forward to that

And holy FUCK there was the BIGGEST wolf spider I have ever seen in my room a few moments ago >< ;;;; GAAAAAAAAHH!!! I HUNTED THAT FUCKER DOWN. Squashed him goooooood and then flushed him down the toilet. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!! DIE SPIDER!! DIE!!!!!!

... I really hate spiders... and the fact that he was crawling around on my laundry just gives me the creeps... I'm doing laundry tomorrow... with very thick gloves... and then I'm going to clean and scour my room for any trace of a spider or web and suck it all up with a vacuum cleaner. Jesus, I can't stand those creepy crawlies >< *sigh* But he's dead now.... Very, very, VERY dead... Thank God. I'm just gonna shake out my PJ's extremely well before I put them on T___T Blargh.

School has started already for me -approximately one week ago- and it's going alright. It's depressing not returning to San Francisco but I'll deal somehow :/ I have such a large to do list for life right now... Gotta do well in school, continue editing for my teacher back in SF, and other chores I don't very much care to mention but that are sucking up my life. I need to manage it all somehow because some things just aren't getting as much attention as others are.

Ah well... Time to sleep! I have alot to do in preparation for my classes on Monday so I bid thee all farewell!

Peace.